It is never ending.
This curiosity, the nagging feeling of uncertainties, the thoughts of fear, the waves of emotion.
“Don’t be a coward. You are too scared. And you always preach of fearlessness. What is this all about?” as the whisper of my restless mind rings truth to my ears.
I do have fear.
And I do not like uncertainties.
But my feeling sometime comes with an intensity so unbearable that I want to hitch my skirt and run.
To run away from my own feeling
Telling myself that this is only a dream.
That we do not exist.
“Why don’t you give it a try? It is not going to be the first time”
If only I can bring myself to open up the old story.
To retrace a history from different places, time and continents.
To know the truth behind those sparkly eyes.
To have the courage to look back and confront my own fear.
“What is it that you have to lose? Pride?”
But he said that “losing your pride is the first thing you need to do in love.” I should express my feeling. Satisfy my curiosity. And if I lose my pride, it is just part of life.
“Have the courage to fall in love. Love is a choice you make. Have the courage to accept love and not to run from the waves.”
It is always harder to accept than to give, you know.
When you accept, you become vulnerable. You open up a space which has been closed for a while. And it takes courage to be exposed, to be vulnerable, to be loved. When you give love, you are in control. When you accept love, you are giving up your control.
A wise friend of mine once said, to always have trust in life, the process of life. This is how you will grow. This is how you will find the truth.
And maybe one day, the fear will be gone.
And he will catch me when I fall.
For every single inhale, there has to be an exhale. That is the circle of life.
In this life time,
In the past,
And in the future.
*** Written in the Summer of 2014