Since I am leaving Helsinki tomorrow for a short trip to Kaivalyadhama, India, I am on quite a nostalgic mood and has been browsing my old photos and writings from the time I spent in Kaivalyadhama with my beloved Teacher, Tiwariji. I first came to Lonavala in November 2012, nervous and excited to finally be studying with my Teacher at his school, a place where he also came as a young man to study from his own teacher, Swami Kuvalayananda. That first visit back in 2012 was like a love at first sight and I have been making a return trip annually to continue my study, making those trips the most anticipated trip every year.
In 2013, I stayed in Lonavala for 6 weeks to complete the Pranayama Advance and Teacher’s Training Course. By then I have been studying with Tiwariji for 2 years, following him around to attend his workshops and courses whenever possible. However, spending 6 weeks of intense practice under Tiwarji’s generous guidance has created a major shift in me. For the first time in many years, I felt that I am truly home. I felt that I have found the path where I want to be and most importantly, the Teacher who truly cares for me and who I can fully trust. Someone who will guide me and give the light of joy and clarity. Many times when I practice, I dedicated my practice for Him, knowing that I have been blessed with his continuous love and guidance.
In 2013, Tiwariji asked me to write a diary, especially of my dreams. He said that “a practitioner dream is not only a dream”. Our dreams are windows to our consciousness, and thus to know more about yourself, you have to be aware of those messages that is transmitted from the consciousness. You have to make the effort to analyze and to make peace with whatever comes.
I found this one longer piece which is part of a reflection I wrote back in 2013, and I thought that it is a very good reminder of how it feels to learn to trust someone with your heart. I have to say that it has not been an easy experience to open up and be vulnerable, but when I finally do, I felt so light, happy and free.
Of Silence and Solitude
“If you are never alone, you cannot know yourself” – Paulo Coelho –
I have been quite lucky to have had the chance to spend a lot of private time with my teacher, Tiwariji, where he took an interest in both my practice and my personal life. It felt weird in the beginning to start discussing about your personal life to your Teacher, especially when I have never been very open about myself to anyone before. Many times I just sat there and stare at him while trying to find the words I need to describe my thought. One time while I was trying to organize my thought, he said to me “dewi, you should always have a person who you can just tell everything about yourself. I can be that person for you if you allow”. I was so moved by what he said that I spent the following days doing the homework he asked me to do. To write about my dreams. To get to know myself deeper. After all, a practice is closely related to your day to day life. What you do, how you think, where your thoughts are at every moment of the day. It was not easy to bare each millimeters of your heart to a person and it does take me awhile to open up to the him, even through my writing.
Thus I wrote my dreams, my stories, my hopes and my visions.
To allow him a glimpse into my life and my thought, finding out why and how things are for me, the reasons behind every step I took in life which goes back to many years back.
To trace all those joy, pain, tears and trauma that have decorated or scarred the blank wall of my deepest soul.
“Scars speak more loudly than the sword that caused them” – Paulo Coelho –
I sometimes wonder, in between writing my stories, my last night dreams, this morning visions and feeling, and then explaining those lines and thoughts to him, why all this work? Of going through every steps and retracing the history, the memories. Part of me sometimes rejected having to trace back the past when I thought I have worked so hard to let things go and to get over the pasts. But as time goes by the memories become clearer. The dreams become more vivid, colorful and clear. And he simply told me “a practitioner dream is never just a dream. You have to dig deeper and find a meaning to it. A message from the collective consciousness which come forward through your practice. Watch and listen closely. You will discover more about yourself when you learn to silent the mind and ego”
With his message ringing clearly in my ears, I spent more and more time in silent. To find comfort in the solitude of being alone. To allow things to resurface from the deepest of the heart, the memory. To allow the feelings to come up and to ride the wave with total awareness of what could have come. I spend many nights in tears and many days in total blank space while trying to process all the waves of feelings and emotions. But Tiwariji was always there to help me through even the strongest waves, to hold my hands when I was feeling completely lost. It was not easy, it will never be easy. You are forced to face your deepest fear. Your darkest dream and desire. To let go of any suppression and allows those storm of feelings and emotions to ride you without mercy. To find peace with the fact that your dream is still only a dream which have yet to be realized. To raise the white flag of acceptance instead of defeat. All while being in silent.
Until one day, the storm is finally calming down. Slowly I could feel the heaviness of the heart is being lifted and the mind is becoming clearer. It is as if there is a new surge of energy moving inside me, clearing the burdens and creatings a new feeling of lightness.
“You are in front of the gate to the next practice. Dreams and visions are a way for your mind to purify itself before the gate will be open for you. Allow things to flow and soon you will see the result” – Tiwariji –
To listen to your self and no one else.
To learn to be with your self and no one else.
To find a moment of peacefulness just by being with yourself.
“You thoughts, your action, and you feeling should always be in union. If they are not integrated, you will never reach the state of self realization. A state of oneness” -Tiwariji-
The work is still to be done. And with every word I wrote, every thought I recorded, feelings I explored, memories and histories I recalled, the mind is slowly becomes clearer. The spirit is lighter. And I know that when the time comes, the gate to the next stage will be open. And when that day comes, I hope that I would be ready.
Lonavala, 24 November 2013
photo note : Tiwariji and I, Kaivalyadhama, November 2013
Helsinki, 1 March 2017