A few years ago, I used to write more poems, notes and essays. However, for reasons I myself cannot really understand why, I have less and less urge to write and to express my feelings and thoughts in writings nowdays. I am not so sure if this is a good thing, because I have always loved writing and it has always been part of my self-expression and my way to channel and process my thoughts. So, as a way to inspire myself to start writing again, I have been re-reading my old notes and thoughts, arranging them in folders and reminding myself of the joyful feeling of expressing yourself in writing.
This one, has always been one of my favorite. My best friend, and my dearest partner Juha was the Barefooted God. Throughout our earlier years of friendship, he has been the catalyst to some of my writings, triggering thoughts and feelings which I then processed in form of writings. It is a good thing that I have him by my side so maybe, soon my writer’s block will be lifted.
For now, though, I can start with re-posting some of my favorite and continue to find inspirations from anything that pops up around me.
Jakarta, 8 April 2017
The Moment of Silence
“I remembered you told me once, that one of the hardest practice is to not react. Because sometimes it is not about what happen, but it is about how you react towards what is happening around you. And to not react gives you the time to think instead of giving in to emotions”
My partner in crime, The Barefooted God from the land of the midnight sun emailed me this morning and he wrote the quote above. Or according to him, it was me who said that awhile back. I can remember the words, but i can’t remember why i said it, or where.. Probably during a down time on the island of dreams, or a long walk along the tiny path in India. Maybe..
The words took me back to moments of the past. To the time when the only thing I know was to answer words with words, anger with anger, pain with pain. When I see only black and white instead of the different facets of grey and the rainbows. I was often driven by the ego and emotion, of never wanting to loose an argument and to let the feelings get carried away. To say things I sometimes regretted and wished it could be taken back. To do things I hoped I did not do after I saw the tears in the other person pair of eyes. To witness how my words became a dagger to a piece of an already so fragile heart. Sometimes when you are in pain, the only thing you want to do it to hurt the other person back. To make them feel our pain. To make them cry our tears. To see them break down so that we too can follow and crumble to the floor. To find that momentary comfort in the knowledge that we do not suffer alone.
That the pain is mutual.
But after the tears are gone and the anger subsides, the pain stayed. The heart is bruised to the point that it no longer beats the way it used to be. It becomes heavy. The air doesn’t flow. The sparks is dying. And the lips, finds it harder to smile.
The surface maybe calm
But the deep ocean is in turbulence
The eyes may sparkle from time to time
Yet the heart is desperately gasping for air
I was there. I wished sometimes that I could turn back the time. To erase the pain and to re-write the story from the past.
But I couldn’t. What’s been said could never be taken back. What’s been done could never be undone. What’s left is that awareness of pain that we have inflicted to others. That guilt that grows like weed inside the heart and makes us unable to see them in their eyes. Because those pair of eyes speaks of the truth. And I can’t see it. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to feel it. I don’t want to face the truth. Deep down I know, that those other pair of eyes will see the same in mine. And I too, don’t want them to see my pain.
As the wise man said, “silence is golden” and “time will heal”. Everyone am sure will come to this moment in their life when suddenly the heart is just too heavy and everything comes in outburst. One of those time when you find yourself curled up into a ball at the darkest corner of the room, trying to make sense of everything when at the end nothing make sense at all. Because sometimes, it doesnt have to make sense. Life should not be straight forward and decipherable. Life should be a complex, interesting, mind blowing roller coaster ride. There’s no way to escape the wheel of life but to hold tight, ride the waves and keep smiling the whole time. To know that after all the bad things passed, there’s only the good thing that’s left for you. To know that life, regardless of how painful it is, is still full of happy surprises. To face the thunder as if its only a tiny drizzle of mid-summer rain. To take things easy and let time works it magic.
To move on and wipe the slate clean.
To start everything with forgiveness.
To learn to forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself for the pain you have cause in the past. For the number of hearts you have broken in the past. For those words you wished you never said. For those doings you wished you never do. For those tears you shed and those bruises you made.
But never forget
With forgiveness, you can start new. And if you do not forget, you can use the past experience as a learning process. To always be reminded to not repeat the same mistake and be better in times
“You know that you have forgiven someone when the thought of that person does no longer gives the painful emotions that it used to give” – Paul Dallaghan –
My teacher said to always offer your forgiveness everyday. To yourself, to others, to everything that you are ready to let go. To clean the slate every single day and light the sparks back into the heart. To take that quiet moments and take the time to observe before you react. To see with the heart instead of the eyes. To listen with the heart instead of the ears. To acknowledge the hidden messages behind each words, each gesture, each moment that passed.
To take the time to not react at everything that comes to you. To observe and think before every words you said. To have the wisdom to stay silent when there’s nothing that need to be said. Because sometimes when the person in front of you is upset it is not because of what you do or what you said, it is because their own internal turbulence which they cant express. And it is your job to not react. To observe with kindness and allows them to digest their own drama before helping them to settle back down to Earth.
Sometimes the best thing to do in life is to be silent. To stay in silence. To observe the storm passing you by with a quiet smile that explode from the heart.
To the Earth,
To travel like rays of light that expands beyond time, beyond the space, beyond the Self.
note: the Barefooted God is looking forward to his quiet walk up to the mountains and caves of India. I look forward to join him.
Sydney, 17 oct 2013