When your Iphone started downloading old notes from Icloud and you spent the morning re-reading some old notes and realized that few of them deserve a re-posting. ^_^
So, here’s one of the few that will follow!
Of Letting Go and Forgiveness
After many years, I have finally let go of my one and only relationship. But in many conversation that I had, his name would still come up from time to time. Not in an upset, sad, angry, or bitter tone, that time has long passed. More with a tinge of sweet melancholy, a little bit of dreamy tone followed by many realizations and lots of reflection.
I was in that one relationship for 9 years, which is about 1/3 of my age.
It was that long.
One of my best friend told me once that it was long enough for her to change boyfriends ( a few of them ), got married ( I was one of the bridesmaids ), had a baby ( a cute one too! ), and planned for a second baby ( that second baby is now 2 years old ) , for me to finally had the courage to take off and finally raise the final white flag of defeat an surrender, retreating back to my own solitary world. I could not remember how many times I tried to take off in the last 3 years out of the 9, and how many times I came back for another try. Never really ready to let everything go until I was so broken that I have none left to offer as part of the duo.
I was weak
And He was my weakness…
But why was it so hard?
It was partly the comfort.
It was partly the guilt.
But it was mostly fear.
Fear of losing the future we once painted in the blank canvas of our life, a life that we have been planning together for as long as we can remember.
Fear of letting go of the familiar, the comfort zone, the supposedly known ending to the story we were writing as we spent our time growing up as a couple.
What if he was the one?
What if by leaving, I made the biggest mistake in my life?
What if he was the only chance I have at happiness?
To be truly happy?
Many unanswered questions which were left unanswered still, though I have stopped looking for the answer. The chapter has ended and it could not be re-written.
That was 4 years a go. It still feels like yesterday sometimes, but the feeling is no longer the same. It took me 2 years and countless yoga classes before I finally feel normal, before I can find that once lost connection to my heart. My friend said, she is happy to see me back to normal after years of hiding behind this invisible wall i built so strongly. I off course denied it. What walls?? I do not have any walls!
But deep within I know what she meant and I can only nod in silent agreement.
My teacher Paul Dallaghan told me once that 9 years is more like being married. And that a separation after such a long time of being together is like a divorce. Your life has been so much intertwined that the roots are tangled. When separation comes, the roots are forced to stand on their own and the tree is shaken. For a while it will struggle to keep strong. To learn how to absorb the right nutrients for the body of the tree on its own. Its not easy. But its possible. It will take time. But its doable. He told me that being strong doesn’t mean that you have to be numb to pain. Being strong means that you allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to be fully destroyed, crumbled, be fragile and drop down in defeat. At this very moment of darkness, the sprit will become stronger. Cause at that very moment of unloved, you will re learn love. Starting from yourself.
So I took my first lesson in love. Learning to love myself more. To have no fear. To have no guilt. To learn how to be free. To be free from my own troubled mind. In a solitary journey, you have the chance to listen to yourself more. Without the voice of others. Some may call it selfish. Some may think that its weird. But i think that the best gift a separation could give is a gift of love. Of loving ourself beyond anything else. Of listening to our heart without fearing that we may hurt others. Of learning that only from the space of love, we can be happy.
It took me 4 years to rebuild everything that I thought I have lost. Was I full of regrets? Not really… It was tough. But it took me to a place where I should be. And it took him to a place where he should be. It was a beautiful gift from life. A lesson that can only be learned through experience. And when we learned it well, life will send another lesson. This time though, you will be more prepared.
13 years ago, I was a happy smiling teenager waiting for life to start happening. Today, I have loved, I have lived, I have cried and I have lost. But through all those moments, I have found me. And as Paul said, “you know you have forgiven someone when the thought of that person does no longer give the feeling it used to give”.
That is how I know that I have let go of my 9 years. The anger, bitterness and pain has gone. Today, I can smile at the thought of him. In a nice, friendly kind of way.
Be full of love
Ubud, 7 April 2104.